Holy Shit. Hi.

Happy December!

Long time, no talk.

Um, a lot has changed since the last time I updated. I’m in college now! I am a full on college student crying over my responsibilities, very sleep deprived and confused as to what I even want to do in life.

I meant to blog my journey, but let me tell you when I say it was a tough transition, I mean it.  I left my welcome week a day after I moved in because I was just that anxious. It was the first time that I was going to be away from home and be the independent person I wanted to be. Little did I know, I am an anxious chihuahua and it was harder than I thought it would be.

I was crying, heaving, sweating, you name it. I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I ended up going back home so I could relax a bit. One of the reasons as to why I had so much anxiety was because I did not have anything to do and I didn’t really know anyone. I came back just in time for classes and just as I predicted, I felt better. Saying goodbye to my parents is always hard, but knowing that when I woke up I would have things to do and keep me busy was reassuring.

The first day was fine. I took an introductory psych course, Italian class, and history class this quarter and all my professors were really cool. I suck at studying and have no real method, which is not surprising.

I’m already on week 10 and it feels like I just moved in yesterday. I love my roommates with my whole heart. Komal and Mabel are literally my best friends here and I am surprised how comfortable I have gotten around them. I’m so lucky.

I also have a bike! Yes, remember when I was always saying I didn’t know how to ride one and how there was a weird pressure to learn? Well, I finally gave in and got one. Surprisingly, I didn’t fall as much as I thought I would, but I got the hang of it thanks to Eddie and now I take it everywhere.

I do sometimes wish I was back home and had picked a school closer to home, but I don’t ever regret coming to ucsb. I love it here and I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. Ms. Gibbs actually visited today because the district had a field trip today and she brought 4 seniors from valley with her. It was nice and refreshing to break my routine of going to class, library, then home.

I have finals week next week on Monday and Friday. After that, I am home free and get to enjoy Winter break for a bit. Honestly, I can’t wait to go back home and see my friends, family, and pets. I miss them so much and I want to really get in the Christmas spirit. Its my favorite time of the year and I can’t fully enjoy it because finals are making me want to cry and maybe die.

I know this is a sloppy entry, but I really missed writing my thoughts down and having a place to really vent.

I’ll check in soon,

Y

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We Got Our Laptop Back

It feels so nice to finally be able to sit down and type on my laptop. Writing a post on mobile sucks and I never want to do it again. Mikey finally got around to fixing my screen so all is well! Will I start updating regularly again? Only time will tell.

I hung out with Jackie two days ago and we had the pups play together for the first half of the day then went out to several stores to get a majority of our college shopping out of the way. The first store we got to was Target and in all honesty, I thought we were going to be in and out of there. Boy, was I wrong. The second I walked in Target had a new clothing section set up by the brand wild fable. EVERYTHING. WAS. SO. CUTE. I was so close to just dropping my money on so many cute things, but I somehow managed to control myself to stick to buying school supplies and small dorm necessities.

I’d like to say the day was very well spent since we did manage to spend out money wisely. A couple days before that I went clothes shopping with both my mom and Jackie. That was another successful shopping trip. Watching everything pile up in the corner of my room is so daunting because the bigger the pile gets the closer I am to moving away. If it wasn’t clear enough in my last post, I am nervous.

I went to the dentist three days ago and my jaw is still sore. I had to get a crown put in and the way my dentist just shoved a needle in my mouth made me panic and lose feeling in my legs. I think I was having a panic attack? I have to go back next Wednesday for my fillings and hopefully, on that day my glasses will be ready. Did I mention that at all? I have to get glasses for farsightedness. I knew I had trouble seeing from far for years now but, seeing my friends who desperately need them for both far and up close I thought I was just exaggerating and just whipped my head up too quickly and that would cause the board to be blurry. My eye doctor laughed and assured me that I did, in fact, need glasses. Staying on the topic of doctors, I saw a psychiatric doctor today for my anxiety and depression and it was not as scary and I thought it was going to be.

Today was pretty busy. Besides going to a psychiatrist, I went to the eye doctor for my dad to reschedule his appointment, I watched SOLO (which was a good movie and I don’t understand why it got such bad reviews), took ricky to work, went out to eat with my dad, then went straight home to organize my room a bit.

I have no clue what I’m going to be doing tomorrow (later today?). I’m sure I’ll write another entry later today or tomorrow.

Until next time,

Y

2 weeks until dispatch

um, hi again.

At this point I feel as though its become routine. I explain why I haven’t been able to write and promise to update more often. I don’t really have an excuse. My laptop still isn’t fixed and writing on mobile really isn’t my favorite thing in the world.

Everything has just been very surreal recently. I leave to university soon and I officially move out. I’m the first of all of my siblings to do so and in my family, really. It’s a lot or pressure and it’s brought on a lot of stress. Just the other day I was at the store with my mom and grandma and they were grabbing snacks, toiletries, basic things I could possibly need when I go away and it hit me so hard that I am leaving.

I know I’ll be visiting, but can you blame me? The longest I’ve been away from home is a week and I always get ridiculously homesick. 2 months away before I get to see my family?! I am freaking out. I know, however, its beneficial to go away since I will finally get a sense of independence. I’ve grown up being told I was always so independent and I never understood it. Now, maybe I will.

That being said, there are only a few of us left here. Silla, Jackie, David, and I are the last ones here since we are on a quarter system and I know I am really going to miss them. I have spent so much of my summer with jackie. We have tried to go around to stores to find things for our dorms and its so hard? I thought it would be the most fun part. I was wrong.

I am in the process of cleaning out my room since my room will turn into mine and my sisters room so, I’m trying to throw out what I don’t need and maybe, possibly, sell what I don’t want. I dont know.

This was a terrible update. I just felt like I needed to write since it’s been so long. I really hope my laptop is fixed soon so I can properly blog.

until next time,

Y

A Weird Place

I went to my university’s oreintation a couple days ago and it lasted a whole two days. It was an experience to say the least. I quickly realized that I am moving a whole 4 hours away from home and having to tale responsibility for my life decisions.

I was really nervous when I got there and incredibly sleepy. I woke up at 3 am to make it on time. I didn’t know anyone there and I really suck at socializing. I me my roomates and saw eddie there but I’m not really friends with them in the same way I am with Jackie and the rest of my friend group. Being sleep deprived, off my anti depressants for a couole days, and stuck in a hot room was misrable. I left the first day early because i really couldnt keep my eyes open for another second.

I took my medication when I got to the hotel and I slowly started feeling better. However, that didn’t take away the fact that I really didnt have friends there. I couldnt find my people. Surely, that was only a portion of the incoming freshman class but still, I felt alone. I’m dramatic, im aware. I know once the actual school year starts I’ll find my people and it might take awhile. For now, im just trying to fully grasp on the fact that Im starting on a new chapter in my life soon and I’m scared.

Besides that, I’m back home and currently on season 4 of OITNB. It’s a pretty good show and I know season 6 just came out? let me live.

All summer I’ve been hanging out with Jackie. A couple days ago the two of us went on a little adventure and took the bus all over the city. It was hot and we tired ourselves out. We’re dumb, I know.

The Infinity War Movie come out digitally tomorrow and I’m ready to watch it in HD and see all of my faves dissapear right before my eyes. Jackie and I are going to have a movie day and I am so excited.

The Christopher Robin movie comes out this Friday and Jose claims we’re gonna go watch it. So whether or not squad comes through, we’ll see if we actually go through with it.

This post feels messy. I just really needed to write something.

Until next time,

Y

I Exude Stress

You know, you’d think that now that high school is over I’d okay and stress free! In actuality I’m just as stressed and that’s a dumb mistake on my part to think that way. Today was Blanca’s birthday party and they were doing it at, my now, old high school. Walking back onto that campus gave me a weird feeling and made me feel so nostalgic. Suddenly when my dad told me, “enjoy high school stress now, the real world is worse” FINALLY hit me. Just the other day I realized in two months I move 4 hours away from home and have to really manage my time and life on my own. No one is going to be looking after me and I have to be an actual adult. It really caused me to go into FULL existential crisis but, what can I do.

I try not to think about it too much and really enjoy what I have left of the summer. My summer has consisted of rewatching every marvel movie about 6 times. I’ve rekindled my love for marvel and I can’t believe my high school studies made me forget how much these superheroes meant to me. I’m not going to fully geek out now BUT WOW, I love Marvel. The new Antman movie is coming out tomorrow so you know I’m watching that tomorrow.

Also, a couple of the popular girls from my high school are starting youtube channels and its not because I don’t get along with them but uh, its pretty bad. It got me to thinking of starting my own. I’ve always wanted to start my own just to honestly talk to myself and see how I’d grow as a person. Obviously writing shows how I grew mentally but physically would be cool. Also, I LOVE video editing. so..i don’t know. Also I’m scared of my locals finding is so..yeah.

Staying on the topic of YouTube. Have any of you heard of Tanacon? Yeah, I was there. I’ll just keep it at that..

Until next time,

Y

A lot Has Changed!

The last time I checked in I was having a pretty intense mental breakdown. At the time, Graduation was just around the corner and I just was not okay mentally. However, I think I am doing better now. I am now a high school graduate and summer vacation started off relatively well.

Before I get to the topic of Graduation, the last couple days of school were quite intense. My favorite teacher had his father pass away and was gone for the remainder of the school year. So, my friends and I took it upon ourselves to put together a present for him showing our appreciation.

We had AP Testing and the one test I was most confident of was AP Stats. What test did I miss? You guessed it! I had the worst cramps from Satan himself that I wasn’t even able to form coherent sentences. Luckily Gibbs let me take the last test and I made it up. Did I pass? We’ll find out in July.

I spoke at my Anteater Academy banquet and I cried during my speech. I knew I would and I tried my best not to but that program really helped me throughout high school. I cried and according to everyone else, I made them cry too. My mom recorded it so now I have video evidence of that event happening.

Graduation felt surreal. Faustino, Jaccob, Jose, Jackie, and Kevin came to my house and we had breakfast the day of. We binged On My Block because that show changed me. It hits home and I love every aspect of it. Jaccob, Kevin, and Faustino got ready at my place and we were all slowly losing it. Graduation was only mere hours away. In just a few hours we’d be sitting in the chairs we never thought we’d sit in. Faustino drove us to school and we all met up in the baseball fields. Taking pictures and panicking over the ceremony. Seeing everyone’s grad caps was really cool. Just the day before everyone came over to my house to decorate their caps. Jackie, Karina, Jaccob, David, Roxana, Faustino, Jaccob, and Kevin were in my house passing around the glue gun and glitter. I helped put David and Jaccob’s together and they were the cutest things ever.

After receiving our diploma and walking out of the stadium we were all smiles. I hugged everyone I saw and exchanged congratulations. For some reason though, I felt like I was going to cry and nothing came out. I talked to Jose after taking a picture with him and he felt the exact same way. I mean, I made it. All my life I had people telling me I would not make it through high school and I wasn’t smart enough to do anything with my future. Making it to graduation was a big ‘ol fuck you to everyone that doubted me. It was also the reassurance to myself that if I put my mind to it, I can do it. I graduated with AP, honors, apart of CSF, National Honors Society, and Anteater Academy. I saw my parents along with my aunts and uncles and I just bawled my eyes out, I did it for them.

Summer is here and I thought I would be a lot happier about it. The first week sucked. I was at home all day with nothing to do and no food in the house. I was bored out of my mind and saw every possible youtube video that peeked my interest. David kept asking me what we were going to do and we ended up doing a bonfire at the end of the week. It was honestly the highlight of my week last week. Before showing up to the beach I had to get blood taken out at the doctors. Jackie came with me since Faustino, David, and Jaccob were picking us up at 1 and we’d make it back with barely enough time. My aunt drove us over to the office and everything went well. We showed up, sat down, and before I knew it a doctor who looked like to be in his early 20s calls my name. I walk in and sit down. He was friendly and since we were both lantino he joked around a lot. Tube and tubes of blood were taken out for tests. Just when I thought I was done he asks me, “Yvette, do you have a snapchat?”. I was so taken aback and creeped out. He was probably twenty-something and I just turned 18. I’m a patient I’m not supposed to be corned like that oh my god. I said yes and he asked to exchanged usernames, only if I wanted to of course. I didn’t really have a choice because before I knew it he was writing not only his snapchat but phone number down. He insisted I write down my number but I didn’t. All I wrote was a fake snapchat name. As I walked out he kept being too touchy and I immediately told Jackie about it. Her jaw dropped and was screaming in the hallway. Once we got in the car, my aunt was in shock that he’d be that unprofessional and to an 18 year old like me. I felt gross mainly because of the impression and vibes he gave off.  Once I got home, Faustino was parked outside and I told the boys the storytime. They high-fived me for being able to do that but were also shook over the fact that he was a 20 something really out here trying to slide in my dms. Anyway, one car ride later and we made it to the beach. Everyone showed up and we were all having a good laugh. Something I hadn’t done in a very long time. No offense but I looked really cute. I was walking around the beach in shorts and a bralette and that was a milestone for me and I was confident. We got there at 1 pm and left at 10pm. The guys had the bright idea of going to In N Out right after so we did. I got home at almost 12 and woke up so tired. I did nothing all day.

Fast forward to last night, my dad had the bright idea of going to a Dodgers game. I was hyped because that’s my team and I love the sport. It’s been a long time since I was last at a Dodgers game. I told jackie and her dad came along as well. The four of us had a great time. Although they lost, we had pretty good seats.

Summer has had an interesting start. I’m currently sitting on my floor watching Jane the Virgin. I hope I go out this week becuase I don’t think I can stay at home all week again.

I am looking for a job but my lazy ass wants to stay home. Do you see how contradicting that is.

Until next time,

Y

Why Do You Feel So Down

I won an annual scholarship, I’m going to UCSB in the fall, I’m graduating in a couple weeks, I’m almost done with testing, and I’m making my family proud. Yet somehow, I still feel such an extraordinary amount of sadness.

I’m sat in the car crying in a Panda Express parking lot and I’d rather be doing other things. My mom told me to think of what I to eat while she gets my siblings food and to not be sad. I worry my mom so much and I feel terrible. I’m a wholeass depressed mess who hates taking their medication. I know she’s worried whether or not I’ll take my medicine when I’m gone and she wants me to be okay mentally before I go. Otherwise, I’d only be a burden on her and possibly make her sick from worrying so much.

I feel so alone at home. Since I am so sad and isolate myself because of the heavy load of school stress I have and just wanting alone time, I kinda of feel alone. My older brothers and sister all hang out with eachother and disregard me. Theyve become a lot more mean.

I think Im also VERY sad over the fact that I graduate soon and I have to leave everyone and start all over. So many of my friends are going to college with another friend and I have to start anew. I’m scared because it took me so long to form the solid set of friends I have currently and in just a few months we’ll all be on our way to our new homes for the next 4 years. My anxiety is through rhe roof. I wont have my family, pets, or friends at my disposal and I’ll be in a completely new environment. I don’t know how I’ll do it.

I’m doing thibgs right and I shouldn’t be sad! I don’t know, maybe I’ll get over it soon but for now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Until next time,

Y